Unforseeable Circumstances

I never wanted to have to write this. Hell, I never thought this would even be a possibility but here it goes...

I do not have my little family anymore.

I know it seems sudden, just a few weeks ago I was talking about family, being a mother figure, and about life-long commitment, yet here I am single and without my little Goose by my side (or in my lap, or trying to push all the keys on my keyboard, or smooshing my face in between her teeny hands and laughing at my silly expressions). Let me tell you my lovlies, this has hit me like a Mack truck to the chest.

I refuse to participate in the blame game, I think that's a sophomoric response to grief that too many grown adults fall into and it isn't productive to anyone. What I will say is this: It takes two to tango. In every break-up, separation, divorce, there is almost always flaws and failings in both parties. I also have to believe that if both people are invested enough, they can work through any problem. With all that said, however, it is simply impossible for one person in a relationship to hold together something broken, no matter how hard they try.

Sometimes it seems like life is determined to trample you into the mud until there's nothing left of you but broken bones and shattered expectations, and it is so easy to just lay there and resign yourself to the pain and disappointment. If you learn nothing else from me my lovelies, learn this: Although it is not always possible to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, it is always possible to keep breathing (unless you literally die, in that case you just do you). And maybe that's what this post is to me, a ragged exhale that leads to another and another with the distant hope that one day my bones won't be broken anymore.

Until then I'll just have to keep breathing, and working, and going to school, and knitting, and at the end of it all, if all else fails, I can always find comfort in the fact that I did my best.

Tragedy

Sometimes things happen that you just can’t control. It’s no one’s fault, there is no one to blame, and there is no place to justifiably direct your rage. It’s just life, and bad things can happen to the best of people. Anyone who has lived more than a handful of years on this planet and isn’t totally self absorbed knows this. But how do you deal with it? How do you handle the tragedy? How can you move past it and grieve when there is no one to blame?

Some people blame anyone they can. They get angry and try to tear down the world for not being angry with them. Some people curl up and cry until everything is out and then there’s no hurt left. Some people have a drink, have a smoke, pop a pill until they’re numb enough not to care.

Do you know what I do? I knit. When the world is deconstructing itself around me, I construct an object of love. Because that’s what knitting is, love. It must be if you can spend sixteen hours winding string around sticks until you have socks. When I’m so upset that my hands are shaking, and I feel like I want to scream at the sky until it falls down on me, I pick up my needles and I make something beautiful. Even when all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch as the moving sun changes the shadows around me. I do it because knitting makes my grief more manageable.

I’ve done it ever since I started knitting. When my high school boyfriend cheated on me, I made a scarf. When I didn’t get accepted to a four-year University straight out of high school, I made a pair of socks. When all but three of my friends forgot my 20^th birthday, I made a kick-ass winter hat with ear flaps.

And now tragedy is rearing its ugly head again. The beast hasn’t bitten yet, but it’s in the process of deciding if it’s going to. I find that the threat of loss is almost as bad as loss itself. You know that something really bad could happen, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. It’s like I’m sitting on a hillside, watching as a wildfire creeps from the forest, closer and closer to the city. I know that I can only watch in horror and pray that it’s either put out, or that everyone makes it out alive.

So while I’m waiting on the outcome, I knit a scarf for someone I love. It’s almost winter back in Oregon, and I intend to be home by Christmas. With every stitch, every row, I am one step closer to sanity, one step closer to getting my emotions reeled back in. It won’t help me to be sad now, I can only be positive and wait for the beast to either bite or go back to sleep.

My grief is productive. My grief becomes love. That’s about as good as I could hope for.