Busy Bee

Today is the 9th of April, and in a mere 4 days my lovlies, I will be hopping on a plane with Adeline, Jarred's brother, Jarred's mom, and her fiance, and where will we be going you ask? To Fort Benning Georgia to see Jarred graduate from Army Basic Training! Needless to say it's been a little crazy around here, getting everything ready for the trip, making sure that Addie will have everything she needs on the airplane to keep entertained. It should be rather interesting, I've traveled the world before but never with a toddler...

Another thing to keep me busy other than Jarred graduating and coming home, I'm going back to school! I got accepted into this great Paralegal program at a small private college it's a condensed program so in a year and a half I'll be a certified Paralegal with an Associates of Applied Science in Legal Studies. Let me tell you, sometimes it takes a little while, my lovlies, to find what you really want to do in this world, and let me also tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But that's a rant of self discovery for another time, the point of this post is that I'm a very busy little bee, but not too busy to spend a little time on the things that I love.

 

 Every time I've had a spare moment in the last few weeks, I've worked on a row or two of this garter stitch scarf. It's made from some bargain-bin yarn that's supposed to be the colors of some sports team, but I don't really do the sports (much to Jarred's chagrin). So I just assume that it's supposed to represent the Hufflepuff House, which is totally my House (Yes, I'm a Potterhead, don't act surprised)! It took a while... If my math is correct then I spent approximately ten and a half hours doing the same stitch over and over and over. I found it weirdly therapeutic. So much of my life has been a little outside my control lately so it was meditative to do something so repetitive. That sounds kind of odd doesn't it?

 

Please ignore the naked dolls on the table, Addie's new favorite thing to do is undress her barbies.

 I also knit up a little hat for Goose. She quite liked it, five minutes after this was taken it became a sleeping bag for her barbies. She doesn't really use it as a hat anymore, but as long as she uses it for something I'm pleased.

I've worked halfheartedly on a couple other projects here and there but nothing to show off, but you guys know I do some of my best knitting on planes so I'm sure I'll crank out something interesting. And a last bit of parting advice before I go, no matter how busy you are always make time for being a little silly with someone you love. 

Tragedy

Sometimes things happen that you just can’t control. It’s no one’s fault, there is no one to blame, and there is no place to justifiably direct your rage. It’s just life, and bad things can happen to the best of people. Anyone who has lived more than a handful of years on this planet and isn’t totally self absorbed knows this. But how do you deal with it? How do you handle the tragedy? How can you move past it and grieve when there is no one to blame?

Some people blame anyone they can. They get angry and try to tear down the world for not being angry with them. Some people curl up and cry until everything is out and then there’s no hurt left. Some people have a drink, have a smoke, pop a pill until they’re numb enough not to care.

Do you know what I do? I knit. When the world is deconstructing itself around me, I construct an object of love. Because that’s what knitting is, love. It must be if you can spend sixteen hours winding string around sticks until you have socks. When I’m so upset that my hands are shaking, and I feel like I want to scream at the sky until it falls down on me, I pick up my needles and I make something beautiful. Even when all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch as the moving sun changes the shadows around me. I do it because knitting makes my grief more manageable.

I’ve done it ever since I started knitting. When my high school boyfriend cheated on me, I made a scarf. When I didn’t get accepted to a four-year University straight out of high school, I made a pair of socks. When all but three of my friends forgot my 20^th birthday, I made a kick-ass winter hat with ear flaps.

And now tragedy is rearing its ugly head again. The beast hasn’t bitten yet, but it’s in the process of deciding if it’s going to. I find that the threat of loss is almost as bad as loss itself. You know that something really bad could happen, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. It’s like I’m sitting on a hillside, watching as a wildfire creeps from the forest, closer and closer to the city. I know that I can only watch in horror and pray that it’s either put out, or that everyone makes it out alive.

So while I’m waiting on the outcome, I knit a scarf for someone I love. It’s almost winter back in Oregon, and I intend to be home by Christmas. With every stitch, every row, I am one step closer to sanity, one step closer to getting my emotions reeled back in. It won’t help me to be sad now, I can only be positive and wait for the beast to either bite or go back to sleep.

My grief is productive. My grief becomes love. That’s about as good as I could hope for. 

Home is... Where again?

As you know, lately I've been feeling pretty down. Missing my family and my friends, basically missing everything. That feeling of loneliness and isolation has increased ten fold in the span of one day. Why, you ask? Because today is the 14th of July. It is both, my older sister Adaira's 23rd birthday, and my oldest friend's wedding day. Being so far away on a day that is so incredibly important back home is actually physically painful. So I'm not going to complain or whine, I'm just going to show you a little bit of my life, a little bit of my family. Maybe then I'll feel a little bit less alone.

From left: Adaira, Jesse, myself, Connor

 Adaira and our dad Mark at her University graduation

 The incredibly talented duo of Sarah (left) and Lauren (right), my baby sisters.

 LaRhonda, my ethereally gorgeous stepmom.

  My incredibly hard to get a picture of stepdad Don, and his lovely sisters Toni and Julianna.

Me and my oldest friend Stephanie, way back in high school.

  A more recent picture of her and her soon to be husband Marc.

Part of our Sign Language Family. At Deaf Nation Portland last year with Ian, Annmarie, and Connor.

This is only a small portion of the people in my life that I depend on and look up to. Just a handful of those that I'm missing so badly. I love all of you and I can't wait until I'll see you again.

P.S. Mom, the only reason you're not up here with the rest of them, is that I couldn't find a single damn photo of you. Curse you and your photophobia. It's like you're a vampire or something, seriously. Know that next time I mean to write a heartfelt blog about my love for my family, I will find a way to get your smiling face up here with the rest of us. Even if that means I have to hire Don to sneaky sneak get a photo of you when you're not looking.